Aww! Woman Going Shopping With Friends Actually Just Hanging with The Bronze People at The Americana at Brand
⤏ BY HANNAH BENSON
Image Courtesy: Life in USA (2016)
GLENDALE — Confirmed earlier this morning, Alex Ackerman, aged 26, a Glendale resident, was not found shopping with friends as she told her roommates, but chilling with the bronze statues next to the Americana at Brand fountain.
Lying about one’s location is often associated with suspicious activity, so we thought it best to investigate further. It's the least we could do for the glory that is the city of Glendale.
“Well, of course I’m not here with other friends. Who can shop around other people authentically? I need to smell every Anthropologie candle two times over, before I can move onto the clothes. These four here are patient enough to stand my rituals, though,” said Ackerman, gesturing to the bronze statues.
The setting is admittedly idyllic. The gazebo to the side, the backdrop of the fountain and the Frank Sintra playing from–still looking into this.
“I would also like to clarify, they are a bronze statue family. They aren’t just four people gathered together, in awe of the world around them. They have relationships. It’s these kinds of assumptions that can take us to a negative space, much like my own apartment,” added Ackerman.
Her openness about the dishonesty led us to suspect more to be at play here, so we decided to focus some attention on the roommates, Mandy Garcia and Rory Petersen.
“We always ask her to go shopping with us, I don’t understand why she would choose people who care about her over statues, '' said Garcia in her statement.
“And she hangs around them for at least an hour, occasionally looking up, smiling at the exact same angle,” adds Petersen.
“Who can shop around other people authentically? I need to smell every Anthropologie candle two times over, before I can move onto the clothes. These four here are patient enough to stand my rituals, though.”
When asked about the coincidence of also being at the Americana at the same time on multiple occasions, Petersen said they go through eye brow pencils quickly and definitely aren’t pooping on the third floor in the Barnes and Noble bathroom, which somehow hits differently.
Despite concerns from her roommates, family and the Greater Glendale area, Ackerman tells us she’s not stopping her visits anytime soon.
“Look, it would be one thing if I was flirting with the gold ‘The Spirit of American Youth Rising From The Waves’. Now that would be pushing it, but,” Ackerman begins to tear up, “The bronze family is my family now too.”
After composing herself Ackerman adds, “Don't get me wrong I adore my roommates, and want to shop with them, it’s just that they always want to go to the Grove. Have you been there? The vibe of their Cheesecake Factory is totally off. And don’t get me started on that fountain..”
Ackerman would like to note that although The Americana at Brand is a safe space for her, she does not support Rick Caruso. Truly, a gross man.