Bravo, Bravo, Fucking Bravo
⤏ ASTROLOGY, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, AND YOU
⤏ WRITTEN BY CIANA ALESSI
⤏ GRAPHIC BY FAYE ORLOVE
Historically, I have spent most of my time watching reality TV. I blame my mother, who raised my sisters and I on a steady diet of America’s Next Top Model, Maury, and protein bars. She was a pilates instructor.
When it comes to reality TV post-aughts, the stars of the show have been the many, many Real Housewives. This goes without saying, I’m just being polite by spelling it out. No matter how much our housewives change, both aesthetically and literally, something keeps us not tardy for the party. Is Andy Cohen practicing dark magic? Does Harry Hamlin’s bolognese recipe include cocaine? Is Aviva’s prosthetic leg part boomerang?
One day, while veering slightly off course and watching our beloved Summer House Hamptonites black out and break up ad infinitum, I came across the series’ second succession of birthday episodes. First, it’s both Amanda and newcomer Jordan’s birthday, then Kyle’s birthday, then Lindsay’s. In the midst of these celebrations, there’s a passing acknowledgment of yet another summer birthday for fellow newbie Hannah Berner. Knowing that the show aptly named Summer House is filmed in the summer, I paused, stunned. Is this house full of Leos?
The short answer is, essentially, yes. Summer House has boasted an impressive roster of Leo cast members throughout the entirety of its existence. Which begs the question, what other Bravo shows, and seasons, have sustained multiple stars with the same sun sign? Upon further investigation of Bravolebrity birthdays, it appears this is a mainstay feature of the most iconique seasons of the Real Housewives. But how do these archetypal temperaments play out on TV alongside a gluttony of real and medically-induced drama?
Before we get into it, let it be known, dear reader, that the main purpose of this article — like reality TV itself — is certainly entertainment value. And yet, like reality TV, there are still incidental lessons to be learned.
I’m the first to admit how ridiculous many RH episodes can get, how tired the plotlines can become, and how quality television probably should not revolve around Dorinda’s Fish Room. But all that cynicism doesn’t take away from the sociological substance witnessed while tuning into Bravo, nor does it take away from the cultural importance of experiencing nuanced portrayals of womanhood in its various stages. Alongside all the messiness, racism, and respectability politics, Real Housewives has opened Pandora(Vanderpump)’s box of navigating family, work, and friendship during middle age. Even if that means seeing Sonja Morgan’s vagina.
“…what other Bravo shows, and seasons, have sustained multiple stars with the same sun sign? Upon further investigation of Bravolebrity birthdays, it appears this is a mainstay feature [of] the Real Housewives.”
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK
Season 9
WATER
Ramona Singer | Scorpio
Bethenny Frankel | Scorpio
FIRE
Sonja Morgan | Sagittarius
Dorina Medley | Sagittarius
Carole Radziwill | Leo
EARTH
Luann de Lesseps | Taurus
AIR
Jules Wainstein | Aquarius
The best seasons of RHONY are actually all of them, but the hall of fame/shame is built different. At the top of the list, we have Season 9. This season — released in 2017 — includes the MOST iconic RH quotations courtesy of resident Sagittarius Dorinda Medley (“CLIP! CLIP!”, “Not well bitch!”), yet another Scorpio-Scorpio faceoff between Ramona Singer and Bethenny Frankel, and the stubborn Taurus Luann de Lesseps defending her future Capricorn husband’s wandering eye…and hand…and penis.
RHONY would not be RHONY without two Scorpio’s fighting with each other about loyalty, betrayal, and sex with someone they met at The Regency. In season 9, Ramona Singer and Bethenny Frankel truly embody the Scorpio agenda. They’re screaming at each other about who’s more of a self-made girlboss, Singer is shaming Frankel for doing softcore porn, and finally, after a Tequila-ridden afternoon, the two share an ugly-crying heart-to-heart, kiss, and make up. Anyone familiar with the franchise knows that Bethenny and Ramona have an intense, overwrought history that could easily be resolved if they weren’t such difficult people. Being friends with a Scorpio is not a task to be taken on lightly, and these two prove that with fierce dedication to their version of the truth, comes verbal assault.
And then there’s the fire-ing squad: Dorinda, Sonja, and Carole. Sagittariuses are notoriously free-spirited, reluctant to heed anyone’s advice, and prone to drunken displays of intense emotion and/or nudity. Fortunately, Dorinda and Sonja take the respective emotional outburst/nudity plotlines, so we don’t have to worry about any overlap. If the sun is in the sky, Sonja Morgan is showing her vajeen on national TV. And if water is wet, Dorinda Medley is five martinis deep and verbally assaulting someone. These are the rules of the natural world. Is there anything more satisfying than watching two rich, middle aged, blonde fire signs get into a screaming match in the middle of an Italian restaurant in the Bronx?
“Being friends with a Scorpio is not a task to be taken on lightly, and these two prove that with fierce dedication to their version of the truth, comes verbal assault.”
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
Seasons 1—2
EARTH
Lisa Vanderpump | Virgo
Adrienne Maloof | Virgo
Camille Grammer | Virgo
Kim Richards | Virgo
Kyle Richards | Capricorn
AIR
Taylor Armstrong | Gemini
The classy ladies of Beverly Hills love to act like they’re above the bullshit, and at least with the original RHOBH cast, they kinda were. The first two seasons of RHOBH are chock full of Virgos. Yes, virgos! The hyper-organized, neurotic, judgmental earth sign makes up the majority of the memorable cast that brought you the “Dinner Party from Hell” but otherwise, the Earthie girlies fall flat. Sorry! When the most stable and straightforward element dominates the casting, things stay far too reasonable for reality TV to truly blossom.
Somewhere along the 11 seasons of RHOBH, we started trading earth for water, and with season 10, the elemental shift was solidified. Cue, the Cancer clan.
“If the sun is in the sky, Sonja Morgan is showing her vajeen on national TV. And if water is wet, Dorinda Medley is five martinis deep and verbally assaulting someone. These are the rules of the natural world.”
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
Season 10
WATER
Lisa Rinna | Cancer
Erika Jayne | Cancer
Dorit Kemsley | Cancer
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave | Cancer
FIRE
Garcelle Beauvais | Sagittarius
AIR
Denise Richards | Aquarius
EARTH
Kyle Richards | Capricorn
The infamous status of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 10 comes courtesy of the bewitching and bewildering Aquarius queen Denise Richards. The most unpredictable air sign of them all, you can always count on an Aquarius to suddenly change everything about their plot line between two seasons and still be the star of the show. If you’ve yet to watch this coveted season, I’m so sorry for you. Really. It’s like watching the Salem witch trials in real time, but with an endless supply of alcohol and five on-call glam squads.
Even if you have seen the season, you may not have realized that the aquatic waves of chaos stream steadily from the Cancers in the group: Teddi, Dorit, Erika, and Lisa. They bring the impassioned defenses of less-than-worthy friends (looking at you, Teddi), the furious crocodile tears of an actress cloying for relevance (hello, Lisa Rinna), and the unwavering, albeit, questionable loyalty our beloved water signs are known for.
The forward-facing drama of this season is the antiquated collective response to a potential cheating scandal between two women — Denise Richards and former housewife Brandi Glanville — but what packs the theatrical punch is the hypocrisy of it all. Who the fuck cares if Denise and Brandi hooked up? It’s very well one of the least interesting things either woman has done. I mean, with the original lineup of Virgos in this cast, that storyline would have remained four episodes max. LVP would have made a cheeky comment about not being into pussy but knowing Brandi would make for a fun romp in the sack, Kyle would have aligned with her former bestie LVP, and we all would have moved onto the much more pressing matter of Erika Jayne’s marriage/finances/morality. And yet, this is not the reality we live in.
Now, Cancers have a fairly mild reputation of being very emotional, yet, relatively harmless, but I call bullshit. Much like their passionate water sister Scorpio, Cancers have emotional manipulation down to a science. Just watch Lisa Rinna’s response to Denise maybe cheating on her husband with Brandi (Outrage! Moral panic! Sheer disgust!), and then compare it to her Season 11 response to Erika Jayne’s husband stealing money from orphans and widows (Erika didn’t know anything! It can’t be true! Women support women!) When confronted with this hypocrisy in Season 11, Rinna doubles down on her original stance, claiming that she and Denise really weren’t that close. This casual lie (their 20 year friendship has been well documented by the media) rolls off her tongue like a Sur goat cheese ball, further cementing the divide between Rinna’s perceived scandal-meter. Considering that nearly all the women in Season 10 were Team Denise Is A Liar and in Season 11 Team Poor Sad Honest Erika, it’s clear that Rinna’s only allegiance is to spinning the story for her own benefit.
The resolution of this season is disappointing to say the least. Everyone knows that in a battle between a gaggle of crabs and a soap opera star, the latter moves onto the next network opportunity. Tragically, Denise — our Aqua goddess defended to the end by Garcelle Beauvais of neighboring sign Sagittarius — is driven away by the righteous sentimentality of the Cancer clan, and we’re certainly worse off for it.
“…what packs the theatrical punch is the hypocrisy of it all. Who the fuck cares if Denise and Brandi hooked up? It’s very well one of the least interesting things either woman has done.”
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SALT LAKE CITY
Season 2
AIR
Jen Shah | Libra
Mary Cosby | Libra
Whitney Rose | Libra
WATER
Heather Gay | Cancer
FIRE
Lisa Barlow | Sagittarius
Meredith Marks | Sagittarius
ETC
Jennie Nguyen | Racist
Do I even need to get into the greatness of RHOSLC being a Libra-centric cast? They’re giving looks, they’re giving fair weather friendship, and they’re giving various states of delusion. I mean, Mary M. Cosby fucks her grandfather (and runs a religious cult), Jen Shah is likely guilty of fraud, and Whitney Rose is simply self-involved and insufferable. As a Libra myself, I approve of this representation completely. All we need to be happy is beautiful clothes, fake tits, and millions of illegally obtained dollars. It is worth noting that Jen Shah likely has a touch of Scorpio in her; much like Scorpio Bethenny Frankel, Shah spits fire when threatened, and her affiliation with the Sagittariuses of the group would align considering Sag and Scorpio are neighboring signs.
One of the many reasons RHOSLC is such a breakaway hit is because of how they reinforce classic Housewives tropes. There are questions of loyalty — a main feature in the Bravouniverse — remixed with the presence of so many notoriously unreliable air signs leading to endless, circular arguments about friendship politics. There are fire-on-fire fights between Sagittariuses, much like in RHONY, but this time between Lisa Barlow and Meredith Marks — the former being a Capricorn moon (even Barlow’s children have a side hustle). Rounded out by a ride-or-die BFF duo (Jen Shah and Heather Gay), the one who’s completely delusional (Mary M. Cosby) and, most importantly, a one-season housewife with a controversial past: Jennie Nguyen.
Astrology and the Bravo-scape are seemingly unrelated entities. One has a rich, indigenous history alongside an exceptionally ridiculous Western understanding of its significance, and the other has Mary M. Cosby’s interior design. No matter how horrific and lowkey ridiculous both subjects may be, they have become our mildly-distorted versions of a moral compass. As millennials and Zoomers, we’ve traded cathedrals and temples for The Gospel According to Andy Cohen, we’ve bartered our parents’ prayer books for Co-Star. And yet, no matter how ridiculous it all may sound, Real Housewives and astrology alike have allowed us to better understand ourselves: how we fight, how we love, and how we react to a stranger telling us our husband will never fulfill us emotionally. Ultimately, they force us to turn inward and investigate the facets of ourselves that we wish to improve and grow. Instead of tuning into Sunday Service (Kanye’s or otherwise), we sit on the couch, close our eyes, and proclaim, “Bravo, Bravo, Fucking Bravo.”