Which Heartthrob is Your 2021 Valentine?
⤏ WRITTEN BY CIANA ALESSI
⤏ GRAPHICS BY FAYE ORLOVE
Valentine’s Day may be just one day in a year of COVID-19 and strained human contact, but this very accurate quiz will help you determine, at last, who your Valentine is for this whole 365. By the end, you’ll have a companion to struggle with throughout the entire experience. Get ready to fall in love!
It’s your turn to pick the lunch spot for this afternoon. Imagine the pre-pandemic you, convincing your friends desperately that they need to try this new…
a. Vegan deep fried Crunchwrap
b. Strain of indica that makes any food you eat taste like pure ecstasy
c. Black-owned cafe that was featured in Eater LA last week
d. Taco Bell
Picture day! Your BFF shows up with their trusty 35mm and the cinematic eye of Regina King. You’re rocking a Junior High silk scarf (obv) in which color and style?
a. Champagne, tied artfully around your neck ascot-style
b. White, no nonsense bandana style
c. Pink, around your belt loop like a flag
d. Red, casually around your ponytail
The reckoning is upon us and before you get thrust into the fiery depths of hell, you’re given the option of choosing from the below as your last words:
a. “I should’ve bought that cow print bucket hat!”
b. “TBH, same.”
c. “I must go in, for the fog is rising — Emily Dickinson”
d. “What?”
Boy bands may have ruled the ‘90s, but Gxrl bands rule the world. What’s the name of yours?
a. Moonlight Medallion
b. Death’s Tow
c. Artemis and I
d. The Fuckers
There’s a 99% off sale on Amazon because we’ve finally murdered Jeff Bezos and the world is healing! Which gadget do you snatch?
a. Air Fryer
Happy birthday!!! It’s finally time to cut the cake and nearly time for everyone to leave your apartment. Which slice are you having?
a. Modest side piece
b. Center piece
c. Half of any piece because there’s just too much frosting
d. Corner piece
The year is 2007 and you’re absolutely crushing it in Dance Dance Revolution. Naturally, your encore song is…
a. “Come Clean” by Hilary Duff
b. “D.A.N.C.E.” by Justice
c. “Jerk It Out” by Caesars
d. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor
It’s Date Night and you really need some excitement this time around. You scroll through Groupon ads for about two hours, finally deciding on:
a. $79.95 Lash Lift
b. 60% off Colonic
c. 25% off H&R Block
d. $4 Paintball Package for One
There’s a ball flying directly at your face and you can only react in one singular direction. Quick!
a. Left
b. Down
c. Right
d. *hit in the face*
We all have someone that we consider a hands-down, absolute heartthrob. And since we all have great taste, we’ve all also watched the 2003 classic teen soap The O.C. If you had the choice of your Valentine’s date, you’d take…
a. Marissa Cooper
b. Sandy Cohen
c. Lindsey Gardner
d. The theme song
If you got mostly A’s:
A Loaf of Fresh Rosemary Bread from the Farmers Market
You are probably a Libra or just a painfully likable human bean, so Valentine’s Day is like your Olympics. Everyone wants to be your Valentine this year (and every year) because you’re fresh and universally appealing. Oh, also because you’ve been flirting with everyone. Embrace your sheer lovability with restraint and compromise by only scheduling (virtual) friend dates this year and eating lots of fresh bread — you’ll feel equally as loved as having the standard romantic dates, with the added bonus of getting to know yourself and nourishing your delicate little human body at the same time.
If you got mostly B’s:
Phoebe Bridgers
When your friends describe you, they likely say you’re angsty, hot, and trying to gradually lower your dose of antidepressants. Incels hate you, Zoomers want to be you, and everyone’s parents just vaguely know your name. Soak in all sides of your brooding, complicated nature and listen to a sweet medley of Phoebe Bridgers’ discography for at least 85% of every day. For the other 15%, journal through your emotions. A glass of wine and a hemp-wrapped blunt couldn’t hurt, but maybe just on special occasions. Ok...everyday.
If you got mostly C’s:
The Empty Shell of Junior High
Let’s face it, you really need to connect with the void. You’re deep by nature, so naturally you identify with the nest of forgotten dreams and broken promises that is the empty shell of Junior High. This year, spend Valentine’s Day acknowledging your fleeting existence by skipping merrily into the dark pool of pre-pandemic possibility. Fantasize about all that you would have been doing at that very moment, and then promptly remind yourself that nothing actually matters and time is an illusion! Everyday, do at least one thing that absolutely repulses you. Spray cheese into your mouth and whine like a hyena. Throw spaghetti at the walls and sob uncontrollably. In the name of self care and in the memory of Junior High.
If you got mostly D’s:
Shrek
Much like Shrek, you have many layers and don’t enjoy spending time with other people. TBH...same. At least four times every week, just kick back with some good food and watch Shrek three times minimum. You’ll learn a lot about life and love in the Shrek-sphere, but more importantly, you’ll have watched four and a half hours of cinematic genius. On Valentine’s day in particular, paint your entire body green and only speak in Shrek quotes. Shouldn’t every holiday be this fun?
⤏ CIANA ALESSI (SHE/HER) IS A LOS ANGELES-BASED WRITER, SCHEANA SHAY IMPERSONATOR, AND EDITORIAL DIRECTOR FOR JR HI THE MAGAZINE. ORIGINALLY FROM BUFFALO, NY, CIANA LOVES WATCHING SHREK, LISTENING TO ABBA, AND PRETENDING SHE’S NOT VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE O.C. GETTING TAKEN OFF HULU. HER WORK CENTERS ON CONTEMPLATING THE NUANCES OF MISCELLANEOUS POP CULTURE AND PROVIDING INTERSECTIONAL CRITIQUES OF CONSUMERISM. EVEN THOUGH FAYE HATES TO SEE IT, SHE’S A LIBRA. IN HER FREE TIME, SHE FILLS HER IPHONE MEMORY WITH PICTURES OF HER PUG, DUCK, AND IS GENERALLY INDECISIVE.