Quiz: Which Jessica Simpson Love Song Are You?
⤏ WRITTEN BY CIANA ALESSI
⤏ GRAPHIC BY FAYE ORLOVE
How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
a. Unsure
b. 1-2
c. 4-5
d. Way too often
How would your ex describe your relationship?
a. They tried (and failed) to control your vintage furniture shopping addiction
b. It was more platonic than romantic
c. You cheated on them so… probably not the best person to ask
d. Your sun sign is “single”
Who would win in hand-to-hand combat: your trust issues or your need for validation?
a. It’s a tie
b. Trust issues
c. Need for Validation
d. A secret third thing (fear of commitment)
When was the last time you bought someone a gift?
a. You compulsively re-gift from your buyer’s remorse collection
b. Last month
c. Last week
d. You have previously (if not frequently) given away your personal belongings to strangers
Which pasta shape do you identify with?
a. Ziti
b. Bucatini
c. Rotini
d. Farfalle
Do you prefer to post TikToks, IG photo dumps, regular old tweets, or reels?
a. Photo dumps forever
b. Twitter is my lord and savior
c. You’re niche tiktok famous
d. Reels girlies stand up
What’s your go-to conversation starter with a potential fling/partner/hot piece?
a. Joking about how you wanted to stay home tonight, but now you’re happy you didn’t
b. Trying to guess their sun/moon/rising (without knowing what they actually mean)
c. Giving them a hyper-specific compliment that walks the line between creepy and flattering
d. People always approach you first, so you simply respond accordingly
Which holiday is your favorite?
a. First day of fall (for sure a holiday)
b. Thanksgiving stan
c. Any day where you get off work
d. Valentine’s Day bb
What’s your average weekly screen time?
a. 1-3 hours
b. 4-5 hours
c. 6-8 hours
d. 8.5+ hours
Which member of Josie and the Pussycats (the movie) do you identify with most?
a. Valerie
b. Wyatt
c. Josie
d. Melody
If you got mostly A’s:
“with you”
You’re a homebody who prefers the finer things in life, so your partners are thoughtfully curated (just like your decor), but you don’t necessarily have the generosity needed to buy gifts for them when it’s not their birthday. Most days you’re booked and busy, so regularly fitting them into your Google calendar is basically committing to marriage and your mere presence should be treated as the gift it truly is.
If you got mostly B’s:
“Where You Are (Featuring Nick Lachey)”
You stick to the classics, which means you took all your dating cues from the male role in every 00s rom com. Your go-to move is re-entering your own apartment the morning after, with a coy grin, fresh cups of coffee, and a couple breakfast sandwiches in tow. And who doesn’t fall head over heels for breakfast in bed?
If you got mostly C’s:
“I Think I’m In Love With You”
A day has not gone by in your life where you haven’t sent a paragraph-long text to your current crush (or for the less brazen of you, haven’t sent a paragraph-long text about your current crush to your friends). You go goo-goo-gah-gah over whoever currently has your heart (*especially* when they’re equally as expressive as you are), but your romantic escapades are usually more novella than novel.
If you got mostly D’s:
“A Public Affair”
Before you say this isn’t a love song…. Remind yourself that I do not care!!
If you’re not a leo sun/moon/rising (or venus), you are currently defying the laws of both time and space. You love being loved, and when you’re committed to someone, you want to adorn them from head to toe, and not-so-secretly expect them to do the same for you. You also frequently drag your current romantic entanglement to events and social outings, because what is a partner if not perpetual arm candy?
If it’s an even split
“sweetest sin”
When you’re being honest with yourself, you actually like swiping more than sitting still. But even when you’re on the apps, you yearn for the potential caress and affection of a partner, so you have a steady rotation of reliable warm bodies visiting your bed and interrupting your roommates' sense of peace. When you aren’t indulging in self-destruction, you’re a real catch.
⤏ CIANA ALESSI (SHE/HER) IS A LOS ANGELES-BASED WRITER, SCHEANA SHAY IMPERSONATOR, AND EDITORIAL DIRECTOR FOR JR HI THE MAGAZINE. ORIGINALLY FROM BUFFALO, NY, CIANA LOVES WATCHING SHREK, LISTENING TO ABBA, AND PRETENDING SHE’S NOT VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE O.C. GETTING TAKEN OFF HULU. HER WORK CENTERS ON CONTEMPLATING THE NUANCES OF MISCELLANEOUS POP CULTURE AND PROVIDING INTERSECTIONAL CRITIQUES OF CONSUMERISM. EVEN THOUGH FAYE HATES TO SEE IT, SHE’S A LIBRA. IN HER FREE TIME, SHE FILLS HER IPHONE MEMORY WITH PICTURES OF HER PUG, DUCK, AND IS GENERALLY INDECISIVE.